In the Next Room

How long ago was it exactly? Ten, may be fifteen years? No, he would not know. He would never, never know. Nalini was feeling exactly like she felt then. Apprehensive, excited. Varun was in the next room. Preparing for his Big Exams, while she was holidaying in the other. In tin trunks pushed deepest down, the not very self-conscious Nalini bundled the thoughts of an absolutely aware Varun away. He stirred emotions in her which were carefully kept forbidden, like pickles were. Afternoons were adventures when she would dare to think to tip-toe into the kitchen limits to trespass into the pickle jars stacked high above.

Like now. As she, way more attractive with age, smelled in his room. His smell was just like him -- elusive. Stinking of a high taste she knew she could never achieve in this lifetime. Being his cousin was an advantage, but she never quite made it to being the cousin he would look twice at. His room also smelled of loneliness. And loomed large in its incapacity. Voices echoed from the basement. Everyone was anticipating his stay-over. Nalini swallowed the moment of solitude and went inside his room. Opened his wardrobe, ran her fingers through his business suit. Nalini went inside his bathroom and touched the open toilet-bag. The Hermes essence was unmistakeble. She came out in his room, his Tumi suitcase on the floor, open. There was no visible sign of life in it, only a large living. She was immediately saddened. This could be so different if only...

Varun found her dozing in the floor of his bathroom, quite unpleasantly taken aback. And then he paused. Nalini had changed. He gave his hand and called out, 'Here...get up...'

Shaken to disbelief that it was a intense wishful hallucination, Nalini was further stunned to find ruthless tears filling her up. She was angry at herself. The tin trunk had opened and out flew the forbidden flights. This would hurt, she knew. Varun would never know, he never did. As for her, she would take yet another course of life resigned to 'if only's'.

She walked down the stairs, deliberate slow step after slow step, taking in all of the invisibility of Varun.

Too many courageous ideas flooded her instincts, yet she was governed by one -- she would follow none.